The person that you care the most would usually hurt you more.
I have no idea what’s has gotten into his mind. Someone that I look up to has become such a pest.
The hurt and disappointment seems to be mountain high. The sight of him is just so painful.
I love him and yet I’m hurt by him over and over again. I’m not sure if he has got feelings for us or it has already been the past.
I felt cheated that I travel all the way to meet you and yet, the welcome wasn’t exactly welcoming at all.
You could have been honest that this rapid disaster will not happen. I’m not sure if I’m going to believe you.
If you are reading this, I really hope that you can spare some thoughts for us. Perhaps you don't care anymore. I wish to say: I hate you !!! which I know I don't.... I no longer can tell the differences between Hate, Hurt, Angry and disappoint. The worst is that these are all I feel for you now.
I open my arm and accept what your decision and all we deserver is “because she is petty”
Things could have turn more nasty if we want to. If she cannot deal with herself, that’s her problem.
Current can be past too. Now is history. There will be this day that she will be sorry.
I need to live my own life. If you are here to hurt me, GET LOST.
My tears are only meant for people who I love. There ain't any for you anymore.
To my beloved brother, I got only this little faith left. Embrace the storm ahead and you will be someone stronger.
Everything happens for a purpose and reason. Let’s take these life lessons to enrich our lives and make each day the best of our lives.
To my lovely mother, I thank you so much for all that you have done for me. Thank you for the lovely home that we set up together. You taught me well. I'm sorry for certain decision that I made. Our lives will get better each day, I'll always be the one that you can depend on. I love you and I'm forever grateful for everything you done for me. Love Always
18 January 2009
06 December 2008
Dedicate to all - Please hear what I'm not saying
Today is the last day of POE. It has been rather challenging to be a coach for participants who are my parents’ age. It has been one of the dangerous grounds that I play in. I’m trilled and scare. They who I made wore the mask. The mask that sometime is so difficult to take off. Why people wear mask? Where did the mask come from? What does that mask means?
Share with you one of my favorite poem.
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one, but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
Share with you one of my favorite poem.
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one, but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
05 November 2008
If Love is a Game...
If love is a game, how would you play this game?
Some play because it is fun;
Some play because it is exciting;
Some play because it is thrilling;
Some play because it is to self fulfilling prophecy;
Some play because of ignorant;
Some play to fill the emptiness in within.
If love is a game, I play to nourish the soul of others and myself.
Some play because it is fun;
Some play because it is exciting;
Some play because it is thrilling;
Some play because it is to self fulfilling prophecy;
Some play because of ignorant;
Some play to fill the emptiness in within.
If love is a game, I play to nourish the soul of others and myself.
23 October 2008
Writing the story together – Chapter 0 (part II)
Ok. Now we got the orange book. I really love this book. (All the way from India).
Made from recycled paper à Love it..
Is so earthly… The cover is orange, we can do some drawing on it.. (need to find a way to protect it.. if not when it get in contact with water, the paper might melt.)
I love the texture of the book… at least is not those factory processed white paper (smell of chemical and “cut” people… “paper cut”)
The title of the book will be 100 days memories.
The next thing is to pick a date to start writing… So exciting…
Made from recycled paper à Love it..
Is so earthly… The cover is orange, we can do some drawing on it.. (need to find a way to protect it.. if not when it get in contact with water, the paper might melt.)
I love the texture of the book… at least is not those factory processed white paper (smell of chemical and “cut” people… “paper cut”)
The title of the book will be 100 days memories.
The next thing is to pick a date to start writing… So exciting…
19 October 2008
Writing our story together – Chapter 0
I guess we have to start some where and somehow.
Let’s just focus on the positive at building this relationship. Day by day, Step by Step, affirming what you want to have in your in this relationship, let the consciousness wash over and reflect in the inner. Then accept it with joy and thanksgiving.
What we need is to learn how to get love in a more positive way and when anything went wrong in the relationship, we will be able to take care of our little inner child; we can lean to feel safe and accept our power.
Ok..
We need to decide on few things:
01. The title of the book.
02. The outline of the book
03. The book cover.
Let’s just focus on the positive at building this relationship. Day by day, Step by Step, affirming what you want to have in your in this relationship, let the consciousness wash over and reflect in the inner. Then accept it with joy and thanksgiving.
What we need is to learn how to get love in a more positive way and when anything went wrong in the relationship, we will be able to take care of our little inner child; we can lean to feel safe and accept our power.
Ok..
We need to decide on few things:
01. The title of the book.
02. The outline of the book
03. The book cover.
10 October 2008
Till I see you again - I am Waiting
I am here with the door open and I am waiting for the moment.
That familiar voice of yours is just so comforting.
Till I see you again, wishing this day will come soon.
I am waiting, waiting for you to be there.
You could be my everything, the answer to my prayers.
I’m telling to the wind, your name.
Singing, singing the prayers for you.
Your love will find you and find me.
Let’s write the story together.
The future will be ours.
I’m waiting, waiting for you.
Your love can find me here. Until I see you.
That familiar voice of yours is just so comforting.
Till I see you again, wishing this day will come soon.
I am waiting, waiting for you to be there.
You could be my everything, the answer to my prayers.
I’m telling to the wind, your name.
Singing, singing the prayers for you.
Your love will find you and find me.
Let’s write the story together.
The future will be ours.
I’m waiting, waiting for you.
Your love can find me here. Until I see you.
22 September 2008
He has not "I"
The smile behind the face is just beyond words.
The simple ‘I’ that many would have used in their sentence since age of you is not found in the vocabulary list. Life like a tape recorder and has got no ‘I’. Sigh.
There are just so much of unspoken that I have to piece them and yet there is so much to learn from him. People of his age would probably be thinking of what next for them in life and how much fun they are going to receive. He is just beginning to identify the meaning of “I”. I like …… is a sky high mission for me to work with. Will we have this day? I’m not sure. Or perhaps at least having the smile and not know everything maybe a better way of living. May the higher power give some guidance. God, show me the way.
The simple ‘I’ that many would have used in their sentence since age of you is not found in the vocabulary list. Life like a tape recorder and has got no ‘I’. Sigh.
There are just so much of unspoken that I have to piece them and yet there is so much to learn from him. People of his age would probably be thinking of what next for them in life and how much fun they are going to receive. He is just beginning to identify the meaning of “I”. I like …… is a sky high mission for me to work with. Will we have this day? I’m not sure. Or perhaps at least having the smile and not know everything maybe a better way of living. May the higher power give some guidance. God, show me the way.
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